Sorry

I tried not to be needy
I tried not to come on too strong
Instead I fucked up a different way
It hasn't even been a day
Since you disappeared from my phone
Now work is really no fun
Without your continuous texts
I didn't know where they were leading
Or what you thought about me
Or even IF you were thinking of me
But this time that didn't bother me
The more we texted - the more I smiled
And looked forward to your next witty remark
You are smart, funny, feisty, and beautiful
Amazingly - you never bore me
I miss your random questions
I miss how you say "orly"
When I proposition you via text
Maybe there's a lot of you I don't know
And a lot you don't know about me
But I was really enjoying the process
Of getting to know you better
I had no expectations
Just a growing crush
Yet now I feel flat
So I guess in the end you were right
You did manage to squish me

Unlabelable

Unlabelable
(June 2011)
I dated men - I got bored
I fell in love with a woman
She broke my heart
Now everyone wonders
Some even ask
Who I'll date next
Society wants to label me
Am I gay?
Am I bisexual?
What box would I check
On a dating application
My only answer is
I am just me; Maja
Don't label me
I won't ever fit any mold
Women are beautiful
And I am open to possibilities
In all shapes and sizes
Love is limitless - mysterious
My type is someone
Who can stand up to me
Challenge me
Make me think
Someone who laughs with me
Understands my humor
"Gets it"
And flirts
A lot!
My type is someone who
When they put their arms around me
The world stands still
I stop spinning
Someone with a bright smile
Deep eyes
And a forgiving heart
Someone who sees me for who I am
Accepts my imperfections
And doesn't expect me to change
But encourages me to grow
To learn
And to live outside the box
Love is limitless - delirious
My type is someone
Who is all this - and maybe more
The rest is irrelevant
I am open to possibilities
Don't label me

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry if I ever put pressure on you
I'm sorry if my problems were too much for you
I'm sorry that I facebook stalk you
I'm sorry that I needed a friend so badly
I'm sorry that you called me in the middle of the night
I'm sorry I interpreted that to mean you needed me
I'm sorry I misunderstood your smiles
I'm sorry that you used to make me smile
I'm sorry that now you make me cry
I'm sorry I loved you so much
I'm sorry that I hate you for it
I'm sorry that I jumped first and didn't look
I'm sorry I let myself fall for you, again
I'm sorry you still didn't catch me
I'm sorry it's the wrong time for us both
I'm sorry that my crush got in the way
I'm sorry I see you as beautiful
I'm sorry I find you smart and funny too
I'm sorry that I keep wondering "what if?"
I'm sorry that I already miss you
Most of all - I'm sorry to say goodbye

Moving On

Moving On
(May 2011)
I wish things could be the way they used to be
I wish you had never left me
I wish you had never broken my heart
But all I can do is move forwards
You promised you'd never leave me
I even have it in writing
Sometimes love takes work
But you gave up on love
Gave up on me
You told me not to wait
You told me to move on
I did
And now you hate me for it
But as much as I miss how we were
I know I deserve so much more
You are right in the end
All we did was fight
And all I wanted was to be fought for
Like you did in the beginning
Because if you hadn't asked me not to
I would have spend my life
Fighting for you

Only Words

Only Words
(May 2011)
You say we are friends
However I know you are lying
Actions speak louder than words
And the way you treat me
Is not how a friend is treated
If you were truly my friend
You would not have left me waiting
All day for you
You would have been there for me
When I needed a friend
You would not have led me on
Only to pick a fight
And tell me you didn't feel the same
You told me you had changed
But with me you still seemed the same
Yet now I see it
Because you used to be the best friend
Now you are no friend at all

Perfectly Imperfect

Perfectly Imperfect
(May 2011)
I can't promise that I'll never hurt you
Yet I will do my best to make you happy
I can't promise to give you the world
But I will make you feel like the center of it
I can promise that I will make mistakes
And when I apologize I'll truly mean it
I can promise we won't always agree
Yet it's perfectly okay to agree to disagree
I can't promise that I'll never get mad at you
But I will always be able to forgive you
I can't promise that I will ever be perfect
And I will not expect you to be either
I can promise that I will never lie to you
Sometimes my honesty will even be brutal
I can promise that I am just me
Human
Flawed
Perfectly Imperfect

Unasked Questions

Unasked Questions
(May 2011)
You push me and push me
To tell you exactly
How much I love you
How much I care
You ask me questions
That I am terrified to answer
And amazingly
My feelings don't scare you
Or push you away
You tell me they make you smile
But I can't see the smile
You are still so far away
And you aren't open
With how you feel about me
I only know how you feel about
Everyone else in your life
I'm dying to know
But I'm terrified to ask
You broke my heart once
I know I told you I'm stronger now
But you are my weakness
I take my phone to bed with me
I turn the ringer onto "obnoxious"
Just in case you call
Or text
But I still don't know
Do you ever think about me
First thing in the morning?
Last thing at night?
Do you ever roll over in bed
(Or on the couch)
And wish it was me beside you
Instead of empty space?
Will you ever get over her
And be ready for me
And the love I could give you
Or will you just
Break my heart again?

Cheap

Cheap
(May 2011)
Last night you fucked me
But today
You talk about taking some girl out
On a date
You never took me on a date
It makes me feel like a piece of meat
You call me when you are horny
You ask for naked pictures of me
When I ask if we can date
You tell me that right now
You can't
But a few weeks later
You tell me about some other girl
That you might date
And I feel like a slut
I wish you would notice
More than my epic rack
I wish you saw me as
Smart - funny - compassionate
You see enough of that
To keep me as a friend
But somehow I'm still not
"Girlfriend material"
I'm just a good time
I don't know how to make you see
What else I have to offer
But I do have a message
For all the assholes out there
Who, over the years, have made me feel cheap:
You have certainly missed out
On the best part of me!

Does She Know

Does She Know
(May 2011)
I hear you have a new girlfriend
I'm just wondering
If she knows what she's in for
Does she know your family
They are insane and unstable
And definitely full of drama
But also lovable
Does she know your Pop abused you
And that everyone else in your family
Continues the pattern of abusive relationships
Does she know how sometimes
You are afraid to tell the truth
Because you fear being judged
Does she know that when life feels our of control
You cut yourself
Does she know that sometimes music keeps u alive
And fallout boy is one of your favorite bands
Does she know you regret moving
And how you feel like a third wheel now
Does she know
That you are still in love with me?

Possibility

Possibility
(May 2011)
"If you love someone
Set her free
If she comes back
She was meant to be"
But what if I set you free
Over and over again
And every time things fall apart
You find your way back to me
But timing and distance
Have always been issues
And we have never had our chance
Yet it must mean something
That we always find our way back
Something always draws us together
I want it to be different this time
I dont' want you to fly away
I want to hold on tight
I won't let go
Our missed opportunity
Should no longer be my regret
Instead of asking "What if?"
It's time to live the possibility

Last Night

Last Night
(May 2011)
Another sleepless night
Five hours I lay there
In bed - completely still
Except for tears leaking down my cheeks
Last night
Life overwhelmed me
I didn't know what was wrong
I only knew how I felt
Sick - confused - hurt
This morning - in the light of day
I think I can see
What was bothering me
Such little things
-News of an ex
-A comment from a far away friend
-Cravings for attention from my crush
-Secrets dying to be told
And no one to talk to
All such little things
Alone, none of them would get to me
But together
They triggered similar emotions
Rejection - inadequacy - lonliness
And there I lay
For five hours
Wondering why I felt
So alone

How it Happens

How it Happens
(May 2011)
It starts when I'm doing something totally thoughtless
Driving through a familiar neighborhood
Performing a task at work that I do daily
My mind wanders
It starts with abstract thoughts
Until the thoughts start forming words
The words start forming phrases
And I am overcome with the need to write
As the phrases spill out of my subconscious
I start thinking of them in terms of a poem
At that moment
I feel that my words might be genius
I drop what I am doing
-Pull over on the side of the road
-Hide under my desk at work
Because I have to record this moment
As I put the pen to paper
The words flow from my fingertips
I feel the curve of the letters
As my hand flys across the page
I scratch things out
And I change things
I put arrows to move things around
Until my hand slows down
Finally, I read what I have written
I think hard and add a few more phrases
I have reached my conclusion
I am ready for a new draft
In my neatest handwriting
I rewrite everything
Making more changes as I go
Then I read it aloud to myself
There I find my moment
Captured
Onto a sheet of paper

Addicted to You

Addicted to You
(March 2011)
Today I feel off the wagon
And into your embrace
Yesterday I thought it through
And I promised myself
It was over
You’re no good for me
I told you goodbye
I knew it was really over this time
I changed my facebook status
Back to single
I deleted all of your texts
And removed your number from my phone
I felt strong
I knew this was for the best
Then today I got a text
Even without your name
I recognized the number was yours
It was a short text, just three words
“Are you okay?”
My heart sped up
You are worried about me
That’s a good sign – you care!
The phone is vibrating in my hands
No, wait –
It is my hands that are shaking the phone
My head says, “Delete”
But my fingers are already replying
“I miss you”
Send.
Shit! You are calling
I hear your voice on the phone
I know you love me too
I am flying… floating
I convince myself I was wrong
We’re not doomed – we’re perfect
It was all just a mistake
We are together again
A happy couple
We talk for hours
I can’t bear to hang up
I don’t want this buzz to end
You are my drug
And today:
I fell off the wagon.

Confused Heart

Confused Heart
(April 2011)
Sometimes I feel confused
Is it possible to love too much,
Or too many?
Do I feel too much?
I didn't used to feel at all
Now my heart swells
At the sound of your voice
Your texts on my phone
But I don't know why
I don't know what I want
-Neither do you
We are both in recovery mode
But yours is isolation
While mine is infatuation
I love being in love
But I'm not ready
So I create a fantasy
My different crushes
Fulfill different parts of the fantasy
You are my center
My strength
My hope
The only problem now
Is that I don't know
For what I hope...

Doggerel

Doggerel
(April 2011)
My goal
Is to write a really bad poem
But what makes a poem bad?
Cheesy rhymes that are sad?
Sometimes no rhymes are to be had
Maybe I just need to be random
And switch topics haphazardly
Carlos thinks this poem is named after him
But he's wrong
It was named before him
Time is only relative
It need not be linear
How am I doing?
Is this poem bad yet?
It has no deeper meaning
Lacks rhyme and rhythm too
Pink and Fuzzy
I are tiny tiny kitten
Facebook is awesome!
But
This.... Poem... Sucks!
The End
(Adding "The End" is so cliche
It definitely make this poem worse)

Guardian Angel

Guardian Angel
(April 2011)
I am no ordinary girl
I strongly believe
That I can do ANYTHING
I am capable - strong
And in control of my own life
I have been through a lot
- Nothing has killed me yet
I am independent
I can take care of myself
While I'm at it - I can take care of you
And the rest of the world
- I often do
I am a daughter, a sister,
A friend, a counselor, a teacher
- A problem solver
I am stronger than I look
You can lean on me
I CAN take care of it ALL
But - That doesn't mean I want to
I want my own turn
To be spoiled, protected, and sheltered
I want a friend
As strong as I am
Someone to say
"I know you CAN, but you don't HAVE to."
I want some one to help me
Not because I need them to
Just because they can
I want someone who
Wraps me up in their arms
And holds the world at bay
- Even if only for a moment
I know I COULD take on the world alone
But I'd rather not have to...

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love
(Oct. 2001)
Not your every day "Love Ya"
More of an unspoken feeling
An "I'll love you till the day I die"
No matter what happens
No matter what you do
Unconditional love is
When you apear on my caller ID
Or I hear your voice on my machine
And I can't help but smile
It is the warm fuzzy feeling
When I hear you snoring at 3 am
It is when we don't talk for 6 months
The you call right when I'm thinking about you
Just to say, "hi"
Unconditional love is
The way you tickle me till I cry
Yet I'm disappointed when you stop
It's the way you push all my buttons
And instead of getting mad
I feel special that you know me so well
It is when we can agree to disagree
And how we never run our of things to talk about
It is why I call you when the world seems to suck
So you can remind me of the good
But most importantly
Unconditional love means
Even if I haven't seen you for thirty years
I will still think of you
Every time my life overflows with joy

My Page

My Page
(April 2011)
I’m trying to find the words
To tell you how I feel
I don’t know if I can just be
Your “fuck buddy”
Don’t you know
I am an idealist
And I tend to think I can
Have my cake - and eat it too
Just to be clear
- I don’t want pressure
- I don’t want commitment
But along with the passion
I want romance
I want to go dancing
And make out in public
I want to hold hands
And smile at each other
For no reason at all
I want to lay in bed in the morning
Touching each other - laughing
Arguing about who’s funnier
And whose body parts “win”
I don't want to announce it to the world
But I also don't want to feel
Like your dirty little secret
I just want to date
For thirty days
And in the end
You will be you
And I will be me
And we - will still be friends

An Hour and a Half

An Hour and a Half
(April 10, 2011)
The world is turning
My mind is spinning
My body is shaking
My thoughts are buzzing
My impatience is merely a side effect
Of having so much to do
And so little time
For 6 days
I forgot to breathe
I didn’t know how to slow down
The dizziness didn’t subside
It’s like my brakes were broken
And I couldn’t stop
Then you caught me
Just barely
We talked, flirted, and laughed
Stopped filtering our thoughts
And laughed some more
And slowly
My world came into focus
By the time we said goodbye
I was smiling and breathing
I felt calm and still
For the first time in a week
I don’t know how you did that
From so many miles away
But I just want to say
Thank you

Compulsive

Compulsive
(April 2011)
You spin lies like a web
Little strands of lie
Connected by pieces of the truth
But eventually you forget
Which strands are connected to lies
And which are connected to the truth
You pick your way through the lies
Trying to find your way out
You know what you're doing is wrong
But in your confused twisted mind
You don't understand the lies you're spinning
And you are surprised when you get caught
By the stickyness of your lies
The web pulls you in and holds you
You can't find your way out of this maze
Of truths, half-truths, and complete lies
Now the only way to get out of these lies
Is to tear down the whole web
To admit what you've done - but you can't
You don't know what you are doing anymore
You are out of control
The only way out is to bear the truth
Admitting who you've become
Is not who you want to be

Darkness

Darkness
(Feb. 2011)
I’m still not dressed
My hair is a mess
My eyes – are red from crying
No, I am not dying
Life will go on
The curtains need not stay drawn
Outside – The sun is brght
Eventually, everything will be alright
But for now – It is my time to grieve
For the lovers who had to leave
So up I curl – with blankets over my head
Enjoying my soft bed
Waiting – for the heaviness to lift
Then I will remember: life is a gift

Your Flaws

YOUR FLAWS
(2007)
I once read that to truly love someone
Means loving them because of their flaws
not "in spite of"
And now, finally, i understand
I love you for being pig-headed and stubborn
and for making up stupid rules that I'll never understand
I love it when you argue for no reason
I love you for knowing your own strengths
But I love you more for knowing your own weaknesses
I love you for hanging onto the past
As much as i wish I could give you the strength to let go
I love you for wanting to "bear your own cross"
But if it would help I would put my arms around you tight
and hold you till your world stopped spinning
Even now as you push me away
I love you more than ever

Brandy

Strength
(Jan. 2011)
Somehow life goes on
Without you
I still cry
But I also laugh
love
and hope
Without you
Although my heart still hurts
I surprise myself
by not allowing the pain
to rule my life
I miss you every day
But I radiate
Strength
Confidence
and Courage
I thought my world was ending
But somehow I find the will
Inside myself
And life goes on
Without you


Resolution
(February 2011)
Everywhere I look
I still see you

I am doing okay
My life continues on

I took your pillows off the bed
They lie on the livingroom floor

Your clothes hang in the closet
Your picture is on the wall

Everywhere I look
I see a ghost of you

It's hard to move on
When your presence lingers

I finished your laundry
I stacked your mail

I wait for you


Past & Present
(March 2011)
Do you ever stop
And think about me
Do you have any regrets
Did you ever realize
When you used to beg me
Not to leave you
That someday
You would leave me
I know that you left me stronger
More open and loving than before
I am independent and happy
But sometimes I still miss you
And sometimes I am angry at you
For breaking your promise to me
You promised me forever
And yet you left
Even as I live my life
I wonder
About what no longer is
I don't regret a single day we spent together
But I wonder if you regret
The days we don't


Goodbye
(April 2011)
I'm not going to erase the years
As if they never happened
Because they did
And they were amazing
But now
Things feel different
Maybe it's because I have moved on
Or maybe I just don't know how to trust you
Anymore
All I know
Is that right now
Your problems are no longer mine
I do hope that we'll keep in touch
But for now I need time
Maybe someday in the future
I'll find a friend in you
But for now
It's just goodbye

Majaisms

"I have been in love twice. The first time was with a boy, the second time was with a girl, I hope that the next time will be with an adult." (April 4, 2011)


"For those who want to label me: I'm not a 'fence jumper,' and I don't 'play for both teams' (hell, I don't even play team sports, I dance). When my head, heard, and body can unanimously vote yes on someone, gender is irrelevant. I would never limit myself that way. If you judge me for that, then maybe I'm just more evolved than you are." (April 8, 2011)

Lela

Lela!
(1986)
I love you Lela.
You are nice to me.
And your eyes shine like rubies


Lela
(October 1992)
Lela,
Endangered flirtatious
Lover:
Always interested.



Lela
(1/11/92)
You act so sure
You seem so self-confident
But I know
-
You want everyone to like you
You feel the pressure
They are fooled
-
You need to know youre cool
You accept the challenge
But you cant fool me
-
You flirt with the guys
You do "cool" stuff
Only I really know you
-
Youve done all the "cool" things
You hang with a "cool" crowd
But thats not why I love you


Shadow
(1993?)
Too near to touch
Too near to see
Too near to hear
She is too near to me
Too near for me to know her
Too near because she is me
And I her
I cannot understand her
I who was her shadow
Then the lights went out
And in the dark she left
When the sun rose
I was only darkness
For what is a shadow of nothing
And when the night comes
I am the night
While she is the sun
Fleeing the night
Fleeing me
She is no longer me
Nor I her
I cannot know her
She is too far from me
Too far to hear
Too far to see
Too far to touch


The Mothers Day Gift
(5/20/99)
Its not your traditional gift
Its the best she can offer
Shes terrified
But shes doing the right thing
She wont do it for herself
But shell do it for her mom
Whose prayers are guiding her
She walks up the steps
And knows whats coming
Detox
Confinement
Pain
Shes scared and weak
But she does it
Because love is stronger
And her love is strongest

Kevin

...And all the Little Devils Went Ice-Skating
(Summer 1999)
It's so strange to say
"I have a boyfriend"
Who would have ever thought?
I gave up on boys years ago
And became a single kind of girl
"Happiness is being single"
A wise friend once told me:
"There's a difference between being single...
and being alone."
And I definitely wasn't alone
I was proud to be a player
Not a typical feminine attitude
But I found no flaw with being single
Then I met a guy
Who turned my world upside-down
Before I even realized it
I suddenly desired
All I had been running from
I found something better
Than being single
Although I still don't feel like in the past
I missed anything by not having a boyfriend
I don't feel like now
I'm missing anything by having one


Breaking my Own Heart
(November 1999)
I ripped my heart out
Out of your hands
And set it dripping on the counter
My mind told me,
Is still telling me,
It was the right thing to do
But now it's all I can think about
And I keep crying inside
(Sometimes on the outside too)
They say pain lessens with time
But mine only grows
Each day is harder to face
And each night
Harder to sleep through
When I did it
A weight dropped from my shoulders
But now it's gone to my heart
And it holds it down
And fills me up
Till I overflow
Through my eyes
And down my cheeks
Onto my pillow
Tears filling up the space
Which should be taken up
By sleep
Which continues to elude me

Dawn

Dawn
(July 1998)
After a sleepless night
I am sitting here
Watching the shadows be born
As the sun rises behind me
Awakening the birds
Who twitter their gossip
Which I strain to understand
While watching the countryside
As it comes to life
And the people wake up
But I haven’t been asleep
I gave up a long time ago
After the same dream
Played over and over
Like a broken record

You & Me

You and Me
(June 1997)
I’m there
I’m here
And always
I’d do antyhing
For you
Whoever you are
Whatever you do
I love you
and love you still
And even more
When you need me
I stay up
Till Dawn
I leave school
early
Go to work
late
anything
For you
And now I’ve helped
You’ll be oh-kay
I feel good too
I know I matter
I am important
I changed your life
But now you’re
Doing so well
You don’t need me
So you move on,
Forget
and leave me
Alone
Now I need help
Can’t you see?
I need you
like you did me
But you forget
That need
You left it behind
Along with me
And I’m too weak
to cry out
Calling your name
I don’t want you,
not that way
not your pity
All I ask
is understanding
But you don’t
You belittle

Tanya

Tragedy
(Feb. 2011)
Thud
Brakes screeching
A body in the air
A split second
Changed her world

Her heard raced
Then stopped
Twice
Before steadily beating on
All on that fateful night

One month
To the day
Leaving us
In darkness
Waiting

No one knows
What was happening
In her head
To silence her
For so long

Like Sleeping Beauty
She awoke
To find
She could not speak
And she couldn’t remember

She fought
For her life
With every inch
Of her body
And spirit

Her path to recovery
Will be long
We still don't know
Where it will lead
We pray

In a split second
Her life changed
Now she struggles
Just to remember
Today


Tanya
(Feb. 2011)
You are an amazing
Teacher
Mother
and Friend
Even now you teach me
What it means to fight
and stay Strong.

It means so much to me
That you remember our past
Our trip to Mexico
That Crazy dance instructor
Random nights out…
And it’s okay,
That by the time I get home
You may not remember that I visited today.

After everything that’s happened
I love
That you still smile
Hug me
and Giggle about cute boys
That you may not remember what year it is
Or how old your kids are now
But you still worry about them
and Miss them, when they aren’t visiting

Every time I see you
You tell me you
are Fine
Then you ask to go home,
to Santa Cruz.
You ask about your friends
only to get frustrated
about a show you missed
All the while – you exude strength
You ARE amazing!