Myself

Beginnings
(1998)
The girl of
Unwritten words
Unfinished projects
She has all these beginnings
But hardly a single end
Forgotten thoughts
The start of a story
Never finished
As something else came along
It’s not that she’s inconstant
She’s actually quite loyal
She’s just easily distracted
For the world is so interesting
So new
She gets these great ideas
But so quickly
She gets better ideas
Abandoning the old ones
And her impecible intentions
Lost
As she stares at the wall
Dreaming up
New beginnings


If I were writing about myself
(May 1996, updated October 2001)
If I had to explain myself
I would write a poem
I would not tell me age
For it does not matter
Nor would I say I have
Long curly brown hair
Nor would I say I have
Brown eyes, with a hint of green
But I would say I have
Long brown eyelashes
That hit my librarian style reading glasses
I would tell that sometiems I can be shy
But once I begin talking it's hard to stop me
I would explain my passion for
Books. I love to read
I lose myself in books
But I like to live my own life too
If I were telling you who I am
I might say I loved to dress up
And Imagine
My imagination takes me to worlds
Far and near, and places
Here and there
I might say I am a hopeless romantic
Because I am
I might say I am innocent
I might say I am knowledgable about the world
Because I might be both
I could mention that I go out to bars
I could mantion that I'm a teacher
If I were telling you who I am
I could say all this
Or I could not
I could hand you a piece of blank paper


Waking Up
(2007)
I try to always live in the present
The here and now
I have let go of my past
and i try not to depend on the future
but sometimes
I can’t help myself – i get carried away
The future promises something so great
That it becomes my waking dream
The days fly by
and the closer i get to this dream
till I can taste it
feel it
smell it
Until reality rings like an alarm clock
and my dream pops
the pieces scatter and melt
And time slows down
I close my eyes but the dream is gone
reality covers me like a cold fog
Yet somehow
This small piece of my heart
Still hopes
Still dreams

How it Happens

How it Happens
(May 2011)
It starts when I'm doing something totally thoughtless
Driving through a familiar neighborhood
Performing a task at work that I do daily
My mind wanders
It starts with abstract thoughts
Until the thoughts start forming words
The words start forming phrases
And I am overcome with the need to write
As the phrases spill out of my subconscious
I start thinking of them in terms of a poem
At that moment
I feel that my words might be genius
I drop what I am doing
-Pull over on the side of the road
-Hide under my desk at work
Because I have to record this moment
As I put the pen to paper
The words flow from my fingertips
I feel the curve of the letters
As my hand flys across the page
I scratch things out
And I change things
I put arrows to move things around
Until my hand slows down
Finally, I read what I have written
I think hard and add a few more phrases
I have reached my conclusion
I am ready for a new draft
In my neatest handwriting
I rewrite everything
Making more changes as I go
Then I read it aloud to myself
There I find my moment
Captured
Onto a sheet of paper

Addicted to You

Addicted to You
(March 2011)
Today I feel off the wagon
And into your embrace
Yesterday I thought it through
And I promised myself
It was over
You’re no good for me
I told you goodbye
I knew it was really over this time
I changed my facebook status
Back to single
I deleted all of your texts
And removed your number from my phone
I felt strong
I knew this was for the best
Then today I got a text
Even without your name
I recognized the number was yours
It was a short text, just three words
“Are you okay?”
My heart sped up
You are worried about me
That’s a good sign – you care!
The phone is vibrating in my hands
No, wait –
It is my hands that are shaking the phone
My head says, “Delete”
But my fingers are already replying
“I miss you”
Send.
Shit! You are calling
I hear your voice on the phone
I know you love me too
I am flying… floating
I convince myself I was wrong
We’re not doomed – we’re perfect
It was all just a mistake
We are together again
A happy couple
We talk for hours
I can’t bear to hang up
I don’t want this buzz to end
You are my drug
And today:
I fell off the wagon.

Doggerel

Doggerel
(April 2011)
My goal
Is to write a really bad poem
But what makes a poem bad?
Cheesy rhymes that are sad?
Sometimes no rhymes are to be had
Maybe I just need to be random
And switch topics haphazardly
Carlos thinks this poem is named after him
But he's wrong
It was named before him
Time is only relative
It need not be linear
How am I doing?
Is this poem bad yet?
It has no deeper meaning
Lacks rhyme and rhythm too
Pink and Fuzzy
I are tiny tiny kitten
Facebook is awesome!
But
This.... Poem... Sucks!
The End
(Adding "The End" is so cliche
It definitely make this poem worse)

Brandy

Strength
(Jan. 2011)
Somehow life goes on
Without you
I still cry
But I also laugh
love
and hope
Without you
Although my heart still hurts
I surprise myself
by not allowing the pain
to rule my life
I miss you every day
But I radiate
Strength
Confidence
and Courage
I thought my world was ending
But somehow I find the will
Inside myself
And life goes on
Without you


Resolution
(February 2011)
Everywhere I look
I still see you

I am doing okay
My life continues on

I took your pillows off the bed
They lie on the livingroom floor

Your clothes hang in the closet
Your picture is on the wall

Everywhere I look
I see a ghost of you

It's hard to move on
When your presence lingers

I finished your laundry
I stacked your mail

I wait for you


Past & Present
(March 2011)
Do you ever stop
And think about me
Do you have any regrets
Did you ever realize
When you used to beg me
Not to leave you
That someday
You would leave me
I know that you left me stronger
More open and loving than before
I am independent and happy
But sometimes I still miss you
And sometimes I am angry at you
For breaking your promise to me
You promised me forever
And yet you left
Even as I live my life
I wonder
About what no longer is
I don't regret a single day we spent together
But I wonder if you regret
The days we don't


Goodbye
(April 2011)
I'm not going to erase the years
As if they never happened
Because they did
And they were amazing
But now
Things feel different
Maybe it's because I have moved on
Or maybe I just don't know how to trust you
Anymore
All I know
Is that right now
Your problems are no longer mine
I do hope that we'll keep in touch
But for now I need time
Maybe someday in the future
I'll find a friend in you
But for now
It's just goodbye

Lela

Lela!
(1986)
I love you Lela.
You are nice to me.
And your eyes shine like rubies


Lela
(October 1992)
Lela,
Endangered flirtatious
Lover:
Always interested.



Lela
(1/11/92)
You act so sure
You seem so self-confident
But I know
-
You want everyone to like you
You feel the pressure
They are fooled
-
You need to know youre cool
You accept the challenge
But you cant fool me
-
You flirt with the guys
You do "cool" stuff
Only I really know you
-
Youve done all the "cool" things
You hang with a "cool" crowd
But thats not why I love you


Shadow
(1993?)
Too near to touch
Too near to see
Too near to hear
She is too near to me
Too near for me to know her
Too near because she is me
And I her
I cannot understand her
I who was her shadow
Then the lights went out
And in the dark she left
When the sun rose
I was only darkness
For what is a shadow of nothing
And when the night comes
I am the night
While she is the sun
Fleeing the night
Fleeing me
She is no longer me
Nor I her
I cannot know her
She is too far from me
Too far to hear
Too far to see
Too far to touch


The Mothers Day Gift
(5/20/99)
Its not your traditional gift
Its the best she can offer
Shes terrified
But shes doing the right thing
She wont do it for herself
But shell do it for her mom
Whose prayers are guiding her
She walks up the steps
And knows whats coming
Detox
Confinement
Pain
Shes scared and weak
But she does it
Because love is stronger
And her love is strongest

Kevin

...And all the Little Devils Went Ice-Skating
(Summer 1999)
It's so strange to say
"I have a boyfriend"
Who would have ever thought?
I gave up on boys years ago
And became a single kind of girl
"Happiness is being single"
A wise friend once told me:
"There's a difference between being single...
and being alone."
And I definitely wasn't alone
I was proud to be a player
Not a typical feminine attitude
But I found no flaw with being single
Then I met a guy
Who turned my world upside-down
Before I even realized it
I suddenly desired
All I had been running from
I found something better
Than being single
Although I still don't feel like in the past
I missed anything by not having a boyfriend
I don't feel like now
I'm missing anything by having one


Breaking my Own Heart
(November 1999)
I ripped my heart out
Out of your hands
And set it dripping on the counter
My mind told me,
Is still telling me,
It was the right thing to do
But now it's all I can think about
And I keep crying inside
(Sometimes on the outside too)
They say pain lessens with time
But mine only grows
Each day is harder to face
And each night
Harder to sleep through
When I did it
A weight dropped from my shoulders
But now it's gone to my heart
And it holds it down
And fills me up
Till I overflow
Through my eyes
And down my cheeks
Onto my pillow
Tears filling up the space
Which should be taken up
By sleep
Which continues to elude me

Dawn

Dawn
(July 1998)
After a sleepless night
I am sitting here
Watching the shadows be born
As the sun rises behind me
Awakening the birds
Who twitter their gossip
Which I strain to understand
While watching the countryside
As it comes to life
And the people wake up
But I haven’t been asleep
I gave up a long time ago
After the same dream
Played over and over
Like a broken record

You & Me

You and Me
(June 1997)
I’m there
I’m here
And always
I’d do antyhing
For you
Whoever you are
Whatever you do
I love you
and love you still
And even more
When you need me
I stay up
Till Dawn
I leave school
early
Go to work
late
anything
For you
And now I’ve helped
You’ll be oh-kay
I feel good too
I know I matter
I am important
I changed your life
But now you’re
Doing so well
You don’t need me
So you move on,
Forget
and leave me
Alone
Now I need help
Can’t you see?
I need you
like you did me
But you forget
That need
You left it behind
Along with me
And I’m too weak
to cry out
Calling your name
I don’t want you,
not that way
not your pity
All I ask
is understanding
But you don’t
You belittle

Tanya

Tragedy
(Feb. 2011)
Thud
Brakes screeching
A body in the air
A split second
Changed her world

Her heard raced
Then stopped
Twice
Before steadily beating on
All on that fateful night

One month
To the day
Leaving us
In darkness
Waiting

No one knows
What was happening
In her head
To silence her
For so long

Like Sleeping Beauty
She awoke
To find
She could not speak
And she couldn’t remember

She fought
For her life
With every inch
Of her body
And spirit

Her path to recovery
Will be long
We still don't know
Where it will lead
We pray

In a split second
Her life changed
Now she struggles
Just to remember
Today


Tanya
(Feb. 2011)
You are an amazing
Teacher
Mother
and Friend
Even now you teach me
What it means to fight
and stay Strong.

It means so much to me
That you remember our past
Our trip to Mexico
That Crazy dance instructor
Random nights out…
And it’s okay,
That by the time I get home
You may not remember that I visited today.

After everything that’s happened
I love
That you still smile
Hug me
and Giggle about cute boys
That you may not remember what year it is
Or how old your kids are now
But you still worry about them
and Miss them, when they aren’t visiting

Every time I see you
You tell me you
are Fine
Then you ask to go home,
to Santa Cruz.
You ask about your friends
only to get frustrated
about a show you missed
All the while – you exude strength
You ARE amazing!