Addicted to You

Addicted to You
(March 2011)
Today I feel off the wagon
And into your embrace
Yesterday I thought it through
And I promised myself
It was over
You’re no good for me
I told you goodbye
I knew it was really over this time
I changed my facebook status
Back to single
I deleted all of your texts
And removed your number from my phone
I felt strong
I knew this was for the best
Then today I got a text
Even without your name
I recognized the number was yours
It was a short text, just three words
“Are you okay?”
My heart sped up
You are worried about me
That’s a good sign – you care!
The phone is vibrating in my hands
No, wait –
It is my hands that are shaking the phone
My head says, “Delete”
But my fingers are already replying
“I miss you”
Send.
Shit! You are calling
I hear your voice on the phone
I know you love me too
I am flying… floating
I convince myself I was wrong
We’re not doomed – we’re perfect
It was all just a mistake
We are together again
A happy couple
We talk for hours
I can’t bear to hang up
I don’t want this buzz to end
You are my drug
And today:
I fell off the wagon.

Confused Heart

Confused Heart
(April 2011)
Sometimes I feel confused
Is it possible to love too much,
Or too many?
Do I feel too much?
I didn't used to feel at all
Now my heart swells
At the sound of your voice
Your texts on my phone
But I don't know why
I don't know what I want
-Neither do you
We are both in recovery mode
But yours is isolation
While mine is infatuation
I love being in love
But I'm not ready
So I create a fantasy
My different crushes
Fulfill different parts of the fantasy
You are my center
My strength
My hope
The only problem now
Is that I don't know
For what I hope...

Doggerel

Doggerel
(April 2011)
My goal
Is to write a really bad poem
But what makes a poem bad?
Cheesy rhymes that are sad?
Sometimes no rhymes are to be had
Maybe I just need to be random
And switch topics haphazardly
Carlos thinks this poem is named after him
But he's wrong
It was named before him
Time is only relative
It need not be linear
How am I doing?
Is this poem bad yet?
It has no deeper meaning
Lacks rhyme and rhythm too
Pink and Fuzzy
I are tiny tiny kitten
Facebook is awesome!
But
This.... Poem... Sucks!
The End
(Adding "The End" is so cliche
It definitely make this poem worse)

Guardian Angel

Guardian Angel
(April 2011)
I am no ordinary girl
I strongly believe
That I can do ANYTHING
I am capable - strong
And in control of my own life
I have been through a lot
- Nothing has killed me yet
I am independent
I can take care of myself
While I'm at it - I can take care of you
And the rest of the world
- I often do
I am a daughter, a sister,
A friend, a counselor, a teacher
- A problem solver
I am stronger than I look
You can lean on me
I CAN take care of it ALL
But - That doesn't mean I want to
I want my own turn
To be spoiled, protected, and sheltered
I want a friend
As strong as I am
Someone to say
"I know you CAN, but you don't HAVE to."
I want some one to help me
Not because I need them to
Just because they can
I want someone who
Wraps me up in their arms
And holds the world at bay
- Even if only for a moment
I know I COULD take on the world alone
But I'd rather not have to...

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love
(Oct. 2001)
Not your every day "Love Ya"
More of an unspoken feeling
An "I'll love you till the day I die"
No matter what happens
No matter what you do
Unconditional love is
When you apear on my caller ID
Or I hear your voice on my machine
And I can't help but smile
It is the warm fuzzy feeling
When I hear you snoring at 3 am
It is when we don't talk for 6 months
The you call right when I'm thinking about you
Just to say, "hi"
Unconditional love is
The way you tickle me till I cry
Yet I'm disappointed when you stop
It's the way you push all my buttons
And instead of getting mad
I feel special that you know me so well
It is when we can agree to disagree
And how we never run our of things to talk about
It is why I call you when the world seems to suck
So you can remind me of the good
But most importantly
Unconditional love means
Even if I haven't seen you for thirty years
I will still think of you
Every time my life overflows with joy

My Page

My Page
(April 2011)
I’m trying to find the words
To tell you how I feel
I don’t know if I can just be
Your “fuck buddy”
Don’t you know
I am an idealist
And I tend to think I can
Have my cake - and eat it too
Just to be clear
- I don’t want pressure
- I don’t want commitment
But along with the passion
I want romance
I want to go dancing
And make out in public
I want to hold hands
And smile at each other
For no reason at all
I want to lay in bed in the morning
Touching each other - laughing
Arguing about who’s funnier
And whose body parts “win”
I don't want to announce it to the world
But I also don't want to feel
Like your dirty little secret
I just want to date
For thirty days
And in the end
You will be you
And I will be me
And we - will still be friends

An Hour and a Half

An Hour and a Half
(April 10, 2011)
The world is turning
My mind is spinning
My body is shaking
My thoughts are buzzing
My impatience is merely a side effect
Of having so much to do
And so little time
For 6 days
I forgot to breathe
I didn’t know how to slow down
The dizziness didn’t subside
It’s like my brakes were broken
And I couldn’t stop
Then you caught me
Just barely
We talked, flirted, and laughed
Stopped filtering our thoughts
And laughed some more
And slowly
My world came into focus
By the time we said goodbye
I was smiling and breathing
I felt calm and still
For the first time in a week
I don’t know how you did that
From so many miles away
But I just want to say
Thank you

Compulsive

Compulsive
(April 2011)
You spin lies like a web
Little strands of lie
Connected by pieces of the truth
But eventually you forget
Which strands are connected to lies
And which are connected to the truth
You pick your way through the lies
Trying to find your way out
You know what you're doing is wrong
But in your confused twisted mind
You don't understand the lies you're spinning
And you are surprised when you get caught
By the stickyness of your lies
The web pulls you in and holds you
You can't find your way out of this maze
Of truths, half-truths, and complete lies
Now the only way to get out of these lies
Is to tear down the whole web
To admit what you've done - but you can't
You don't know what you are doing anymore
You are out of control
The only way out is to bear the truth
Admitting who you've become
Is not who you want to be

Darkness

Darkness
(Feb. 2011)
I’m still not dressed
My hair is a mess
My eyes – are red from crying
No, I am not dying
Life will go on
The curtains need not stay drawn
Outside – The sun is brght
Eventually, everything will be alright
But for now – It is my time to grieve
For the lovers who had to leave
So up I curl – with blankets over my head
Enjoying my soft bed
Waiting – for the heaviness to lift
Then I will remember: life is a gift

Your Flaws

YOUR FLAWS
(2007)
I once read that to truly love someone
Means loving them because of their flaws
not "in spite of"
And now, finally, i understand
I love you for being pig-headed and stubborn
and for making up stupid rules that I'll never understand
I love it when you argue for no reason
I love you for knowing your own strengths
But I love you more for knowing your own weaknesses
I love you for hanging onto the past
As much as i wish I could give you the strength to let go
I love you for wanting to "bear your own cross"
But if it would help I would put my arms around you tight
and hold you till your world stopped spinning
Even now as you push me away
I love you more than ever

Brandy

Strength
(Jan. 2011)
Somehow life goes on
Without you
I still cry
But I also laugh
love
and hope
Without you
Although my heart still hurts
I surprise myself
by not allowing the pain
to rule my life
I miss you every day
But I radiate
Strength
Confidence
and Courage
I thought my world was ending
But somehow I find the will
Inside myself
And life goes on
Without you


Resolution
(February 2011)
Everywhere I look
I still see you

I am doing okay
My life continues on

I took your pillows off the bed
They lie on the livingroom floor

Your clothes hang in the closet
Your picture is on the wall

Everywhere I look
I see a ghost of you

It's hard to move on
When your presence lingers

I finished your laundry
I stacked your mail

I wait for you


Past & Present
(March 2011)
Do you ever stop
And think about me
Do you have any regrets
Did you ever realize
When you used to beg me
Not to leave you
That someday
You would leave me
I know that you left me stronger
More open and loving than before
I am independent and happy
But sometimes I still miss you
And sometimes I am angry at you
For breaking your promise to me
You promised me forever
And yet you left
Even as I live my life
I wonder
About what no longer is
I don't regret a single day we spent together
But I wonder if you regret
The days we don't


Goodbye
(April 2011)
I'm not going to erase the years
As if they never happened
Because they did
And they were amazing
But now
Things feel different
Maybe it's because I have moved on
Or maybe I just don't know how to trust you
Anymore
All I know
Is that right now
Your problems are no longer mine
I do hope that we'll keep in touch
But for now I need time
Maybe someday in the future
I'll find a friend in you
But for now
It's just goodbye

Majaisms

"I have been in love twice. The first time was with a boy, the second time was with a girl, I hope that the next time will be with an adult." (April 4, 2011)


"For those who want to label me: I'm not a 'fence jumper,' and I don't 'play for both teams' (hell, I don't even play team sports, I dance). When my head, heard, and body can unanimously vote yes on someone, gender is irrelevant. I would never limit myself that way. If you judge me for that, then maybe I'm just more evolved than you are." (April 8, 2011)

Lela

Lela!
(1986)
I love you Lela.
You are nice to me.
And your eyes shine like rubies


Lela
(October 1992)
Lela,
Endangered flirtatious
Lover:
Always interested.



Lela
(1/11/92)
You act so sure
You seem so self-confident
But I know
-
You want everyone to like you
You feel the pressure
They are fooled
-
You need to know youre cool
You accept the challenge
But you cant fool me
-
You flirt with the guys
You do "cool" stuff
Only I really know you
-
Youve done all the "cool" things
You hang with a "cool" crowd
But thats not why I love you


Shadow
(1993?)
Too near to touch
Too near to see
Too near to hear
She is too near to me
Too near for me to know her
Too near because she is me
And I her
I cannot understand her
I who was her shadow
Then the lights went out
And in the dark she left
When the sun rose
I was only darkness
For what is a shadow of nothing
And when the night comes
I am the night
While she is the sun
Fleeing the night
Fleeing me
She is no longer me
Nor I her
I cannot know her
She is too far from me
Too far to hear
Too far to see
Too far to touch


The Mothers Day Gift
(5/20/99)
Its not your traditional gift
Its the best she can offer
Shes terrified
But shes doing the right thing
She wont do it for herself
But shell do it for her mom
Whose prayers are guiding her
She walks up the steps
And knows whats coming
Detox
Confinement
Pain
Shes scared and weak
But she does it
Because love is stronger
And her love is strongest

Kevin

...And all the Little Devils Went Ice-Skating
(Summer 1999)
It's so strange to say
"I have a boyfriend"
Who would have ever thought?
I gave up on boys years ago
And became a single kind of girl
"Happiness is being single"
A wise friend once told me:
"There's a difference between being single...
and being alone."
And I definitely wasn't alone
I was proud to be a player
Not a typical feminine attitude
But I found no flaw with being single
Then I met a guy
Who turned my world upside-down
Before I even realized it
I suddenly desired
All I had been running from
I found something better
Than being single
Although I still don't feel like in the past
I missed anything by not having a boyfriend
I don't feel like now
I'm missing anything by having one


Breaking my Own Heart
(November 1999)
I ripped my heart out
Out of your hands
And set it dripping on the counter
My mind told me,
Is still telling me,
It was the right thing to do
But now it's all I can think about
And I keep crying inside
(Sometimes on the outside too)
They say pain lessens with time
But mine only grows
Each day is harder to face
And each night
Harder to sleep through
When I did it
A weight dropped from my shoulders
But now it's gone to my heart
And it holds it down
And fills me up
Till I overflow
Through my eyes
And down my cheeks
Onto my pillow
Tears filling up the space
Which should be taken up
By sleep
Which continues to elude me

Dawn

Dawn
(July 1998)
After a sleepless night
I am sitting here
Watching the shadows be born
As the sun rises behind me
Awakening the birds
Who twitter their gossip
Which I strain to understand
While watching the countryside
As it comes to life
And the people wake up
But I haven’t been asleep
I gave up a long time ago
After the same dream
Played over and over
Like a broken record

You & Me

You and Me
(June 1997)
I’m there
I’m here
And always
I’d do antyhing
For you
Whoever you are
Whatever you do
I love you
and love you still
And even more
When you need me
I stay up
Till Dawn
I leave school
early
Go to work
late
anything
For you
And now I’ve helped
You’ll be oh-kay
I feel good too
I know I matter
I am important
I changed your life
But now you’re
Doing so well
You don’t need me
So you move on,
Forget
and leave me
Alone
Now I need help
Can’t you see?
I need you
like you did me
But you forget
That need
You left it behind
Along with me
And I’m too weak
to cry out
Calling your name
I don’t want you,
not that way
not your pity
All I ask
is understanding
But you don’t
You belittle