Alone

I feel so alone

I cut my bangs

And died them purple

You didn’t notice

Or if you did - you didn’t care

I feel so alone

Taken for granted

Every night

Before I come to bed

I clear your dishes - as well as mine

I feel so alone

You lie next to me

Sound asleep

I’m still awake

Paying bills - cleaning up messes

I feel so alone

Even though you are

Right next to me

Lately it seems

That I am invisible - not even here

Don’t you feel alone?

Placeholder Girlfriend

You say you love me
But maybe you just love
A warm body in bed next to you
A pretty face to look at
How can I be sure that I am more?
That when you see me
You look beyond the hair, face, and body
That you see what's inside
That sometimes my jokes
Mask my insecurities
My laughter
Hides my pain
How do I know
That you see all this - and more
That I am not just a pretty face
And a warm embrace
While you wait for something else
Something better
Something different
How do I know if it's me
That you've always been waiting for?

Forgotten

Forgotten

I knew you would forget
You said you would remember
I said I wouldn't remind you
But you never asked
Now we are going to sleep
I hate being right

Myself

Beginnings
(1998)
The girl of
Unwritten words
Unfinished projects
She has all these beginnings
But hardly a single end
Forgotten thoughts
The start of a story
Never finished
As something else came along
It’s not that she’s inconstant
She’s actually quite loyal
She’s just easily distracted
For the world is so interesting
So new
She gets these great ideas
But so quickly
She gets better ideas
Abandoning the old ones
And her impecible intentions
Lost
As she stares at the wall
Dreaming up
New beginnings


If I were writing about myself
(May 1996, updated October 2001)
If I had to explain myself
I would write a poem
I would not tell me age
For it does not matter
Nor would I say I have
Long curly brown hair
Nor would I say I have
Brown eyes, with a hint of green
But I would say I have
Long brown eyelashes
That hit my librarian style reading glasses
I would tell that sometiems I can be shy
But once I begin talking it's hard to stop me
I would explain my passion for
Books. I love to read
I lose myself in books
But I like to live my own life too
If I were telling you who I am
I might say I loved to dress up
And Imagine
My imagination takes me to worlds
Far and near, and places
Here and there
I might say I am a hopeless romantic
Because I am
I might say I am innocent
I might say I am knowledgable about the world
Because I might be both
I could mention that I go out to bars
I could mantion that I'm a teacher
If I were telling you who I am
I could say all this
Or I could not
I could hand you a piece of blank paper


Waking Up
(2007)
I try to always live in the present
The here and now
I have let go of my past
and i try not to depend on the future
but sometimes
I can’t help myself – i get carried away
The future promises something so great
That it becomes my waking dream
The days fly by
and the closer i get to this dream
till I can taste it
feel it
smell it
Until reality rings like an alarm clock
and my dream pops
the pieces scatter and melt
And time slows down
I close my eyes but the dream is gone
reality covers me like a cold fog
Yet somehow
This small piece of my heart
Still hopes
Still dreams

Unforgettable

I have forgiven you
But I have not forgotten
It isn't the first time you pushed me away
The difference this time
Is you did it when I needed you the most
I took xanax for a week
I had a lot to work through
I couldn't keep myself sane
You can always keep me sane
Except when you make me insane
And every day i thought about you
While you ignored me
I have forvigen you
But I still remember the pain
When you turned your back on me

Haunted

Images from the past
Can't erase them from my mind
Every time I close my eyes
There is the picture of that ring
It's not the ring that keeps me awake
In my over used, over stressed mind
It's what that ring represents
A reminder that I wasn't the first
This idea haunts me
I wasn't the first...
How does that one little reminder
Of this seemingly obvious fact
Put my heart on it's little hamster wheel
Fluttering about, keeping me awake
Is it possible that I'm afraid
That if I wasn't the first
I won't be the last either?
Is it possible that my female logic is so flawed
That the past, constant and irrevocable
Makes me unsure of my future?
Making sleep as elusive as a ninja
Why can't my heart feel
What my brain knows
That together
We're making our own future
I repeat it to myself
I feel strong, calm
But when I close my eyes
I still see that ring