I'm Sorry

I'm sorry if I ever put pressure on you
I'm sorry if my problems were too much for you
I'm sorry that I facebook stalk you
I'm sorry that I needed a friend so badly
I'm sorry that you called me in the middle of the night
I'm sorry I interpreted that to mean you needed me
I'm sorry I misunderstood your smiles
I'm sorry that you used to make me smile
I'm sorry that now you make me cry
I'm sorry I loved you so much
I'm sorry that I hate you for it
I'm sorry that I jumped first and didn't look
I'm sorry I let myself fall for you, again
I'm sorry you still didn't catch me
I'm sorry it's the wrong time for us both
I'm sorry that my crush got in the way
I'm sorry I see you as beautiful
I'm sorry I find you smart and funny too
I'm sorry that I keep wondering "what if?"
I'm sorry that I already miss you
Most of all - I'm sorry to say goodbye

Moving On

Moving On
(May 2011)
I wish things could be the way they used to be
I wish you had never left me
I wish you had never broken my heart
But all I can do is move forwards
You promised you'd never leave me
I even have it in writing
Sometimes love takes work
But you gave up on love
Gave up on me
You told me not to wait
You told me to move on
I did
And now you hate me for it
But as much as I miss how we were
I know I deserve so much more
You are right in the end
All we did was fight
And all I wanted was to be fought for
Like you did in the beginning
Because if you hadn't asked me not to
I would have spend my life
Fighting for you

Only Words

Only Words
(May 2011)
You say we are friends
However I know you are lying
Actions speak louder than words
And the way you treat me
Is not how a friend is treated
If you were truly my friend
You would not have left me waiting
All day for you
You would have been there for me
When I needed a friend
You would not have led me on
Only to pick a fight
And tell me you didn't feel the same
You told me you had changed
But with me you still seemed the same
Yet now I see it
Because you used to be the best friend
Now you are no friend at all

Perfectly Imperfect

Perfectly Imperfect
(May 2011)
I can't promise that I'll never hurt you
Yet I will do my best to make you happy
I can't promise to give you the world
But I will make you feel like the center of it
I can promise that I will make mistakes
And when I apologize I'll truly mean it
I can promise we won't always agree
Yet it's perfectly okay to agree to disagree
I can't promise that I'll never get mad at you
But I will always be able to forgive you
I can't promise that I will ever be perfect
And I will not expect you to be either
I can promise that I will never lie to you
Sometimes my honesty will even be brutal
I can promise that I am just me
Human
Flawed
Perfectly Imperfect

Unasked Questions

Unasked Questions
(May 2011)
You push me and push me
To tell you exactly
How much I love you
How much I care
You ask me questions
That I am terrified to answer
And amazingly
My feelings don't scare you
Or push you away
You tell me they make you smile
But I can't see the smile
You are still so far away
And you aren't open
With how you feel about me
I only know how you feel about
Everyone else in your life
I'm dying to know
But I'm terrified to ask
You broke my heart once
I know I told you I'm stronger now
But you are my weakness
I take my phone to bed with me
I turn the ringer onto "obnoxious"
Just in case you call
Or text
But I still don't know
Do you ever think about me
First thing in the morning?
Last thing at night?
Do you ever roll over in bed
(Or on the couch)
And wish it was me beside you
Instead of empty space?
Will you ever get over her
And be ready for me
And the love I could give you
Or will you just
Break my heart again?

Cheap

Cheap
(May 2011)
Last night you fucked me
But today
You talk about taking some girl out
On a date
You never took me on a date
It makes me feel like a piece of meat
You call me when you are horny
You ask for naked pictures of me
When I ask if we can date
You tell me that right now
You can't
But a few weeks later
You tell me about some other girl
That you might date
And I feel like a slut
I wish you would notice
More than my epic rack
I wish you saw me as
Smart - funny - compassionate
You see enough of that
To keep me as a friend
But somehow I'm still not
"Girlfriend material"
I'm just a good time
I don't know how to make you see
What else I have to offer
But I do have a message
For all the assholes out there
Who, over the years, have made me feel cheap:
You have certainly missed out
On the best part of me!

Does She Know

Does She Know
(May 2011)
I hear you have a new girlfriend
I'm just wondering
If she knows what she's in for
Does she know your family
They are insane and unstable
And definitely full of drama
But also lovable
Does she know your Pop abused you
And that everyone else in your family
Continues the pattern of abusive relationships
Does she know how sometimes
You are afraid to tell the truth
Because you fear being judged
Does she know that when life feels our of control
You cut yourself
Does she know that sometimes music keeps u alive
And fallout boy is one of your favorite bands
Does she know you regret moving
And how you feel like a third wheel now
Does she know
That you are still in love with me?

Possibility

Possibility
(May 2011)
"If you love someone
Set her free
If she comes back
She was meant to be"
But what if I set you free
Over and over again
And every time things fall apart
You find your way back to me
But timing and distance
Have always been issues
And we have never had our chance
Yet it must mean something
That we always find our way back
Something always draws us together
I want it to be different this time
I dont' want you to fly away
I want to hold on tight
I won't let go
Our missed opportunity
Should no longer be my regret
Instead of asking "What if?"
It's time to live the possibility

Last Night

Last Night
(May 2011)
Another sleepless night
Five hours I lay there
In bed - completely still
Except for tears leaking down my cheeks
Last night
Life overwhelmed me
I didn't know what was wrong
I only knew how I felt
Sick - confused - hurt
This morning - in the light of day
I think I can see
What was bothering me
Such little things
-News of an ex
-A comment from a far away friend
-Cravings for attention from my crush
-Secrets dying to be told
And no one to talk to
All such little things
Alone, none of them would get to me
But together
They triggered similar emotions
Rejection - inadequacy - lonliness
And there I lay
For five hours
Wondering why I felt
So alone

How it Happens

How it Happens
(May 2011)
It starts when I'm doing something totally thoughtless
Driving through a familiar neighborhood
Performing a task at work that I do daily
My mind wanders
It starts with abstract thoughts
Until the thoughts start forming words
The words start forming phrases
And I am overcome with the need to write
As the phrases spill out of my subconscious
I start thinking of them in terms of a poem
At that moment
I feel that my words might be genius
I drop what I am doing
-Pull over on the side of the road
-Hide under my desk at work
Because I have to record this moment
As I put the pen to paper
The words flow from my fingertips
I feel the curve of the letters
As my hand flys across the page
I scratch things out
And I change things
I put arrows to move things around
Until my hand slows down
Finally, I read what I have written
I think hard and add a few more phrases
I have reached my conclusion
I am ready for a new draft
In my neatest handwriting
I rewrite everything
Making more changes as I go
Then I read it aloud to myself
There I find my moment
Captured
Onto a sheet of paper